Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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