youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
