I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
