oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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