two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
