I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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