i'm signing you up for texting rehab
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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