Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
