I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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