This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
