Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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