I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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