I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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