there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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