I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
