Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
two words: eviction party
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize