he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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