come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
