drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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