My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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