Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
