We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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