When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
