Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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