You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
