Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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