I'm gonna have a badass scar
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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