the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
