my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
