soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
