It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
