thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
