gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
COCAINE IS GR8
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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