if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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