You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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