Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
