If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
