I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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