My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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