why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
