i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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