You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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