Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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