i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
