My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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