i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
