"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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