i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
