So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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