So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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