4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
