My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
