Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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