dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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