i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
