Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
