We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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