she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
