NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
