There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
